Monday, May 01, 2006

Love / Hate

It happened again tonight. I knew I'd run into her, but I'm never really mentally prepared to deal with it. Within seconds of catching sight of her, I'm almost useless. She always cheerfully says hi and all I can do is spit out a quiet hello and turn away. It's been 6 months since she left me and yet I haven't healed at all, and the pain seems to get worse by the day.

The worst of it is the conflict as far as I can see. I struggle with being lonely, distaste in my posistion in life and everything else, but the conflict in my mind between love and hate is often more than I can bear.

Never in my life was I as happy as I was when I was with her. She showed me a world I'd chosen to ignore. She showed me love, compassion and friendship. I was utterly devoted to her, to the very afternoon she walked into my apartment, woke me up and told me she didn't want to see me anymore.

But the dark side of the relationship persisted too. She was often cold, cared little about how I felt about the things she did, was unable to commit to the simplest or most important things and finally in the last week she was unfaithful and took my trust for granted in the most painful way. The pain that I felt the night she told me was unimagineable and I wonder if I will ever forgive her for what she did.

So now I live day to day with this conflict. The pain seems to get worse, perhaps time heals all wounds, but I regularily think that I may soon have to seek out professional assistance, because I find more pain each day. Of late, only the thought of my family and friends has kept me going, gotten me out of bed, prevented me from doing something that I should not.

Shawna,
I love you
I hate you
I miss you

5 comments:

Danny said...

Your feelings are natural and there is nothing wrong with them. You need to find a way to deal with them properly tho. I donno how they are your feelings but if you need or want to talk. I'll help you as much as I can.

Life Ruiner's Anonymous said...

Okay Jeremy, time to develop an "I see Shawna" contingency plan.. much like my own zombie contingency plan, it's gotta include a nastily huge getaway car and many different weapons. We'll discuss the need for water balloons and paint guns later.

Keep your chin up. You're moments away from a punk rawk princess or some combination.

David Roman said...

Hey buddy, I'll be back in the city soon. If you need my help at all, I can listen or hook you up with some good resources. I think my experience may be able to help you make some sense of this stuff. I'll see ya soon.

Anonymous said...

Remember the euphoria you felt at the twine ball...the pure excitement of being in the presence of that huge majestic sphere, you found the true meaning of life that day. Cherish it, for you have found the twine ball of your soul!

big little sis said...

I speak from experience when I say you may never ever be able to look at her with a pang of regret or missed opportunity or love or hate or all those mixed into one, just try to focus on why you are no longer together and the good parts of your life since you've been apart that make you want to go on. More freedom, self-esteem, job, family, social life, whatever. You are better now than you were before. You may think you were happier but from a family perspective Jerm you're happier now. or at least a hell of a lot nicer and back to "the old Jeremy". Time heals all, and hey if all else fails you can come visit me in Mexico and I'll marry you off to some Mexican girl, down there you would be considered pretty damn rich!!!! :-)