Monday, March 27, 2006

Oh GOD it's good to be back in Canada

Whew! WHAT A FUCKING WEEKEND!

Dear Speed Stick:

You fucking suck.

Sincerely, Pilot


Dear Queen,

Gentlemen you rock. Excellent choice in Paul Rodgers. Infact this afternoon I was talking to a guy who claimed to be his neighbour. Tell Paul he says hi.

Sincerely, Pilot


Dear Paul,

Your old neighbour says hi.

You fucking rock. I loved the Free songs and the Bad Company songs. After hearing "Feel Like Making Love" all I could think about it getting laid. Good work.

Please continue to kick ass with Queen. I'm gonna buy some Bad Company records now.

Sincerely, Pilot
PS - Would it kill you to play some Foghat?


Dear Brian,

Great show. It really drives me that your solo starts out like "Now I'm Here", but that's ok because the show rocked.

By the way, could you please send me a plane ticket to your next gig, I'm the new bass player. John said it was ok. Please read the following transcript :
"
Dear Pilot,

You can play bass for Queen. Please tell Brian I said it was ok.

Sincerely Deakee
PS : Have you seen my shoes?
"

I got some great pictures of you, please tell Roger he should sing more.

Have you ever been to the "Largest Ball of Twine in Minnesota"? If not, don't bother, it's a waste of time. Plus you probably won't find parking for the tour bus.

Sincerely, Pilot


Dear Roger,

You should sing more. You did a good job.

Talk to Brian, he may want me to play bass for the band.

I took some short videos of the show, I hope you don't mind. I'm just keeping them for myself and giving them to half a dozen friends. I'm not even gonna put them on the web. Just some nice pictures if you don't mind.

Please keep rockin!

Sincerely, Pilot


Dear Guy at the merchstand.

The brown t-shirt (#5) you sold me while stylish and comfortable was flawed in design and there is now a small hole in the right side at about wrist level.

Fuck You

Sincerely, Pilot
PS- The wrist band is of acceptable quality and style.


Dear online Paul naysayers and setlist pollsters,

Shut the fuck up.

Here's how this goes.

If Queen wants to reunite and hire Paul Rogers to sing, you're gonna let them and you're gonna be happy, wanna know why? Because they've been rocking better than anyone else for 30 years. You haven't.

If Queen want to walk in and play for 20 minutes about how much they love their car, take a nap on stage, play only the bad parts of Dragon Attack, walk off to take a shit, then sit onstage and play crib the rest of the night, you're gonna PAY $150 and you're gonna LIKE IT.

Sincerely, Pilot


Dear People in Darwin MN who are involved with the Giant Ball of Twine.

You fucking suck.

It's GODDAMN TWINE. Jesus.

Still you did take $5 from me for a mini ball of twine, a pin and a post card.

Dammit.

Sincerely, Pilot


Dear Weird Al

We recently visited "The Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota" as made famous by your song.

Well that was a waste of two hours.

Sincerely Pilot


Dear Jamie Foxx

Keep Smilin' Brother.

Sincerely Pilot


Dear United Stated of America,

What's with all the goddamn water towers? I mean sure a few, but you've got them within eyeshot of each other. Are you really that commonly in need of a steady water supply.

Jesus,

Sincerely, Pilot



Dear Holiday Inn in St. Paul,

Acceptable.

Sincerely, Pilot


Dear Excel Energy Center,

Very Clean.... Alice Cooper should check it out.

Sincerely Pilot


Dear Alice Cooper,

You've been oft quoted in Saskatchewan on the subject of the cleanliness of our stadium in Regina, formerly the Agridome.

Please make a trip to beautiful St. Paul Minnesota and their arena, the Excel Energy Center. I can assure you it's cleaner.

Sincerely, Pilot
PS - You fucking rock.


Dear Security Guard at the Excel Center that tried to nab me for taking video and beleived me when I said I wasn't and I was,

Ha Ha!

Sincerely, Pilot


Dear St. Paul and Minneapolis

You are beautiful. I nearly navigated Corey into a brick wall I was so overcome with your magnificence.

Your pizza places are retarded tho.

Sincerely, Pilot


Dear St Paul Pizza places,

What the fuck?

First you're closed, then you don't deliver where I am. jesus we had to call front desk just to get fed. Pizza Hut, you're automated phone system is also retarded.

Shape up or ship out, the people of the Twin Cities deserve better than your lazy asses.

Sincerely, Pilot


Dear Fargo,

Acceptable.

Sincerely, Pilot


Dear hotel at Fargo,

I left some beer in the room. Enjoy, it's a gift.

We didn't fuck with it or anything.

Sincerely, Pilot


Dear Mom and Dad,

Thanks for the gift for the trip. Love ya both!

Sincerely, Jeremy


Dear Fargo IHOP,

Wow. I ordered an omelette, not a last supper feast. I wanted some eggs and cheese, not eggs, cheese, a pound of hashbrowns, a 7 foot stack of pancakes, an oil drum of coffee, 3 hams and a mint.

Why the hell aren't you in the white pages? Corey thinks I hate him now.

Sincerely, Pilot


Dear Rolling Rock

Good beers man. Keep her up!

Sincerely, Pilot


Dear Pabst Blue Ribbon,

Guh! What the Fuck?

Sincerely, Pilot


Dear US side border guard (going in),

Jesus, paranoid much. What were you expecting to find by emptying the money and cards out of my wallet? Drugs? My Communist Card? My pictures of me and Osama eating baby seals?

Well you won't, I left them at home.

If I told you i don't have narcotics the first time, what makes you think I'll say yes the 27th time.

Fuck off

Sincerely, Pilot


Dear Canadian side border guard (heading home),

Not bad.

Just one question. Where did you think the beer was? In our asses. 24 cans would be awful snug doncha think?

Where else but the trunk?

Idiot.

Sincerely, Pilot


Dear Duty Free Shop,

Thanks for selling me 24 Moosehead for $14. I'll enjoy those.

Sincerely, Pilot


Dear Interstate 64

Not bad man. But you got a rough stretch heading West out of Fargo. Wanna get that cleared up? Queen might be heading through that part on the way to my birthday next year.

Sincerely, Pilot


Dear Everyone,

You're not invited to my private Queen concert in my backyard on my birthday. Only Bootsy is.

Sincerely, Pilot


Dear Blog Readers,

I got a tonne of pictures at the show and on the trip. I'll get them up ASAP.

No I wasn't prodded, but damn near. It was like talking to a Nazi.

Sincerely, Pilot


Dear North Dakota,

What's with all the parking control signs and billboards demanding we "Smile", "Be Grateful", "Be Kind" and so on?

Quit trying to control us.

Sincerely, Pilot


Dear Minnesota

State of 10,000 lakes? How about state of 10,000 lies? We drove clear across the state. Guess what? We were counting. 14.

North Dakota had 28 and I only counted on the way back.

Grow up.

Sincerely, Pilot


Dear God,

Thank you for bringing me to Queen! Now how about a job?

Sincerely, Pilot


Dear Corey,

Thanks for bringing me to Queen! I had a blast. It was a pleasure spending 3 days in close quarters with you.

Sorry about all the snoring jokes.

Sincerely, Pilot


Dear Laura,

Thanks for letting your husband take me to Queen. And also for letting us use your MasterCard to get the tickets and hotels.

Your husband does not sound well in the night. If I had a horse that snored like that, I'd shoot it and put it out of it's misery. Sweet Jesus. Here I thought someone's been using a jackhammer next door to me all this time. Turns out it was Corey snoring 6 blocks away.

Have you considered homicide? It's ok, I did last night.

Sincerely, Pilot
PS Please don't show this to Corey.



Dear Andrew,

Thanks for taking care of Bootsy. Glad you liked Jarhead. Sorry bout the poo.

Sincerely, Pilot


Dear Bootsy,

You really need to quit shitting in the house. We're all getting tired of it. And would it kill you to tidy up around here?

Sorry for leaving you for so long again. I promise next time I leave town I'll try and find someone to babysit you.

Sincerely, Pilot




Dear God,

Thank you for bringing me to Queen! It was a life dream I never thought possible come true. It was the best 2 1/2 hours ever. Finally something to bring me out of my emotional funk for a bit.

Sincerely, Pilot
PS - Would it be a bad time to ask about a job? (and a girl if you could)

14 comments:

Soulfood said...

Where's my letter???

Ass.

God said...

Dear Jeremy,

Move to Alberta. I put all the jobs there.

Sincerely,
God

Darth Fudge said...

That's not God at all! He's a fake!

P.S.- Good job on the letters, they entertained me greatly.

Shock1156 said...

You forgot one...

Dear lady at the twine ball shop,

I understand now why you were so defensive about your twine ball's stature. Turns out yours is not the biggest ball of twine, that one resides in Kansas. And before you say that yours is the biggest made by one man, there is a ball in Texas thats bigger...even if it is made of plastic string. Point is, your life and everything you stand for is a sham. Maybe Darwin can try and win the ugliest water tower award or something even less important as having the largest ball of crap.

Just for the record, I have begun to wind my own twine ball. I'm 31 and in great health, there's no way I stop until my ball's bigger than yours. So suck on that, twine bitch.

god said...

Dear Jeremy,

I'm only God. I don't know if I can hook you up with any body. Why don't you go bug Satan for once. He's got a whole crap load of hot chicks.

Sincerely,
God.

Bootsy said...

Dear Jeremy,

I'll crap where I damn well please. Also, ask Andrew to stop trying to feel me up while you're away.

Sincerely,
Bootsy.

Kristie T said...

You are one hilarous fucker I laughed my my ass off at your letters. You will have to come and visit me, the Robs and Kat at our new house (Rhonda's old one)!!!

Speed Stick said...

Dear Jeremy,

I just want your money. I don't care what you smell like.

Sincerely,
Speed Stick

Radio Girlie said...

Dear Jeremy...

Thanks for letting me have a weekend of working at the store!!

IT WAS GREAT!!

Glad you had an awesome time and Bootsy is welcome anytime.

Laura

P.S. No I have not considered homicide or suicide....I have my own ways of dealing >: )

The State of Minnesota said...

Dear Jeremy,

Our definition of "lake" is different than yours. That's why you didn't get the same total as us.

Sincerely,
The State of Minnesota

Anonymous said...

Us borderguard

Jeremy sorry about your ass.

PS I told the Candian guard you were coming back with 24 cans in your ass have a good day.

Anonymous said...

Dear: Jeremy

Sorry about your ass, we just really needed some beer.

Candian border guard or Seth

PS: I'll never forget you, I hope you come by on some friday GROWLL!!

Kristie T said...

It hurts my feelings when people spell Canadian wrong. twice. YIKES!

Janine said...

Freaking hilarious! Glad you had a good time :)