Thursday, November 09, 2006

I am Flippin' Freezin'

I just took a 20 minute walk to mull over the subject of this blog, because this is it. I'm writing this post then I am fucking moving on... forget it, I've had enough of this shit.

When I was a child I had a Teddy Bear. His name originally enough was "Teddy". He was quite large, yellow, could talk (in my mind) and his best friend was "Pillow" a red throw pillow that I also had as a security toy. When I turned 13 I decided that it was time to give that shit up. As it was I never played with them, rarely slept with them and they'd both stopped talking sometime before. I knew I couldn't give them up cold turkey, so I put them into the storage room in our basement. Sometime later Teddy went to the funeral home, pillow was spared, but she was a gift made by my grandmother to celebrate my birth, so she was kept and is still stored with some of my other sentimental items.

Two years ago I bought a ring for a woman I was madly in love with. I had no money at the time, but was so in love that I felt the sheer fact that I was proposing would make up for the fact that I didn't spend much on the ring. That Christmas, I proposed to her and gave the the ring.

A year later I finally received a reply to that question when the ring was tearfully returned to me only feet from where I now sit. That day I threw the ring at my recycling box and swore it was thrown out... I knew I missed but I knew when I had time I'd pick it up and dispose of it. I convinced myself it was gone, and I did my best to convince others of it. I lied to myself. I lied to my friends and family. Just like storing Teddy and Pillow in the basement, the ring sat there as my comfort. Sure I had moved on... I even forgot about her, but I had never let go.

But this time, mom wasn't there to throw out my security and leave me stronger.

Today I received an e-mail from that woman. It was some sort of online networking site. The question posed by the e-mail was "Is ****** ************** your friend?". Quite frankly I was terrified to answer either way. So I took the cowards way out again and simply deleted the e-mail. Instantly it seemed it brought up the memory of that ring.

Well I went and grabbed it. There's a hell of a disgusting pile of recycleables in the middle of my kitchen now, but the ring has passed out of my life. Just like the ring in the movies, I've put it to water to have it's fate decided by a later generation. I hope someday someone finds it and it brightens their day or week. I really do.

As for that e-mail, I'm going to leave it. I don't want to insult that woman by saying no, but she has passed out of my life now. We shared 2 and a half years together. I really did love her with all my heart and I think, even though sometimes it's hard to imagine, that she loved me with all her heart. We were both young, naive and looking for someone to be with. I don't want to hate her, I will hate what she did, but she made a mistake, hopefully she's learned and never done it again. I've moved on to someone else... in the past I could have easily said here "She's more ___ and less _____ " but I'm not going to make comparisons or insults... neither women deserve that. It's a chapter of my life that is over. When I entered that chapter I was boy, young, naive and confused. Today I am a man, I know what I want and I know how I'm going to go about getting it... I went through skyrocketing highs and cavernous deeps, but I've emerged alive and strong.

Goodnight all, tomorrow is Pilot World's 2 year anniversary. Let's make this next year the best there's ever been.


Anonymous said...

My hats off to you.

David Roman said...

A post full of subtle wisdom Pilot. Love you man. By the way, I always thought you were manly enough for me....'wink'

Danny said...

Waita make some steps the J to the P.