OK so as the entire universe is now aware, the final Lucas Star Wars creation is coming out this week. Two days away actually. My ocal buddies and I are heading down to Prince Albert to go see it in the fabulous Galaxy Theatre. I figured it might be fun to peice together what I think the movie will be about based on the following media criteria I have been subjected to;
1 ) Theatrical and Television trailers
2 ) Breif glances at reviews in the Saskatoon Star Phoenix
3 ) A breif skim of the TIME article
4 )Pepsi Bottles
5 ) Doritos Bags
6) Previously Released movies and the "Clone Wars" cartoons.
Warning : Adult Content!
Our movie starts out in a Couriscant bedroom about 11:30 PM. Our hero Anakin Skywalker is leaning over his love Padme nibbling her ear...
"Not Now Anakin, Jesus, I have a headache!" She yells, shutting the horny Anakin down, "Besides, I'm three days late, and you promised me that "the Force" was all the protection you needed, so help me God if I'm pregnant, I'm gonna beat the shit out of you."
"Now Padme," the frustrated hero retorts, "you know I'm a Jedi, I'll handle whatever comes up!"
"I just wish your Jedi powers would let you last more than fifteen seconds in the sac," she yealls back rolling over and falling asleep. Anakin looks angrily into the closing darkness, frustrated and alone.
The next day Anakin and Obi Wan visit the Jedi council where they learn there are a bunch of robots killing shit and the Jedi are getting their asses handed to them by a droid named General Grievous, and Anakin keeps peeing on the seat in the Jedi Council bathrooms.
During this same period, Anakin is being seduced to the dark side by Lord Palpatine, who is kidnapped by someone and some stuff happens.
Next thing you know Anakin is full on badass, and him and Obi Wan get the lighsaber thing on over a river of lava... this is the coolest part of the movie and the reason I've been waiting 20 years to see this movie.
So also I think Sam Jackson as Mace Windu gets his ass handed to him, Yoda fights the emperor and Padme has twins, Luke and Chewbacca. Padme dies, maybe even whilst having kids.
Anakin gets his ass handed to him by Obi Wan, because Obi Wan kicks ass, and ends up being all robot. So as a robot, he just sweeps through the galaxy killing ALL THE JEDI, killing every last one, including Obi Wan and Yoda, leaving no hope left....
Ok this was gonna be like a 3 part write up, but I got lazy, and figured no one wanted to read a summary of a movie I've never seen. I can't wait to see it, particularily the Obi Wan vs. Anakin battle. I just want to see that ugly ass Hayden Cristienwhateverthefuck get beat up.
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3 comments:
Your warning didn't work!! I didn't stop reading!! YOU BASTARD!!!! I agree that it will be good to see hayuden get his assed kicked cause he's a queer and a terrible actor.
OK, so what the hell?? I submitted a question to the advice column and come home after a 12-hour day expecting an answer and what do I get?? I shitty Star Wars summary!! Grr....that question is still burning in my soul...
LOL - Laugh my ass off... I hope you're right about the whole thing Jeremy. I hope you're right.
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