Pilon for Pope - 2025

 The news arrived about two weeks ago: Pope Francis passed away at the ripe old age of 88. After much mourning and chest-beating, the Catholic Church is now finally in a position to pick a new pope. 

I come to you today, as I did about 20 years ago, to share why I think my father, Denis, should be elected to the highest office in the Church when the Cardinals enter the conclave tomorrow. 

Now, we had a lot of fun with the papal election back in 2005, and things got pretty silly. There were Photoshopped photos of Dad with a big ol' Pope hat on, and we all had a good laugh. Even a couple of weeks ago, I put together a song to start the campaign. But I was informed this weekend that it was so unfunny that it didn't even merit comment. 

Ouch. 

But you know what? Maybe there's some truth to that. After all, the Vatican, and the Church in general, are pretty serious institutions. They deal with the very word of God and have influence over the entire planet. Maybe if I took this a little more seriously, the Cardinals would actually pay attention. So we're going to take a more serious and measured approach to this campaign. I present to you, Pilon: Papacy with Panache. 

With a rich, dark green background and golden text in a classic Gothic font, the campaign can't help but grab the attention of even the most serious and devout Catholics. And the promise of a pope with some panache will grab the attention of the progressives in the Church who are looking for someone with some personality. 

So, what changes and promises will Pope Denis bring to the table? I'm glad you asked. 

Here for your review are some of the changes and new rules that Pope Denis will bring to the Catholic Church. 

• The announcement of the new Pope will continue to be done via smoke signal, but it will now involve the Cardinals smoking many fine cigars. 
• The Popemobile will be upgraded to include a humidor and a scotch cabinet. 
• Wherever possible, stonework will be removed from Vatican City and replaced with fine woodworking of teak and walnut. This will make it more environmentally friendly somehow.
• Strict "no losers" rule in the Swiss Guard will be enforced.
• We're moving the immovable ladder. Just over one window. We'll act like we have no idea. 
• Upgrading communion hosts to personal pan pizzas to align better with the Italian roots of the church. 
• Blood of Christ upgrading to Mountain Dew: Code Red. 
• We're going to laminate the Shroud of Turin. Scientists keep showing up trying to do tests, and frankly, they've done enough. 
• Weekly "prophecy parties". We'll bring the Holy Bong of St. Peter out of retirement. 

The Cardinals head into the Conclave tomorrow, so call your Church offices today and make sure the message gets through that the only proper pope is a pontiff with panache. Let's make sure they know who we really want for Pope!