Manipulation

Over the last 3 or 4 years I've focused a lot of attention on the concept of manipulation. Obviously in our - shall we say "spicy" - political and social landscape, the concept of manipulation comes up a lot. That's part of what has my attention but there's quite a bit more to it. 

I completed my diploma in public relations from the University of Victoria last winter and while the industry would like to hide behind other words, boiled down the work we do is manipulation. We hope to manipulate your behaviour or opinions to the whims of the people we work for. Thankfully, we did a LOT of work on ethics and ensuring that the power you're yielding is used for good. Lord knows the oil, tobacco and weapons industry have a different approach to manipulation. 

Sometimes I see manipulation or detect that someone is trying to manipulate me and I'm frankly ok with it. Maybe it's letting a gym ad manipulate you into going for a workout or a restaurant manipulating you into treating yourself to the super-size. I know that when I play Pokemon Go, I'm being manipulated into their microtransactions. But I also know that it manipulates me into getting out for a walk, maybe being social with someone. I'm willing to accept that manipulation. 

Other times I know I'm being manipulated and it's damn near impossible for me to step away from it. Instagram Reels and YouTube Shorts do this to me. And I know for my Tik Tok consuming friends it's even worse. I'll waste countless time just scrolling up on the most useless junk. I'm working hard against this manipulation - I try to tell myself that my focus on music was meant to offset the time I spend scrolling. To some extent, it has. But I still scroll. And if I'm tired, depressed, anxious or just generally avoiding life - scroll city baby. 

It was a shock to me last week when my counsellor brought up manipulation. Maybe she picked up on some of the language I use or something, but we both shared a moment recognizing that the work we do is manipulation. Even if saying that word can have a strongly negative response. 

And I think that discussing manipulation in the context of a counselling session is very dangerous. Which is why I'm shocked it came up. Because this wasn't "be careful of being manipulated." No. It was more like, "Sometimes you need to manipulate the people around you to do the right thing." I know what she's talking about and I've got enough of an ethical foundation that I can use this for good. But my God if she'd said that to a sociopath, someone without a strong ethical base or just someone who is struggling with relationships - that could be awful. 

We live in an environment today where some industries and groups are forced to identify their manipulation. You can't watch a YouTube video that has an advertisement without someone pointing out the ad. That's great. I know that someone is getting paid to convince me to buy a thing. Do we owe our loved ones and coworkers the same warning? Should I tell Rhonda "Hey, I need to manipulate you into making me macaroni and cheese for supper?" Or can I stick with the usual, "Imagine yourself making the most delectable pasta, covered in copious amounts of cheap cheddar and sprinkled with the spiciest of dried mustard." (Note: that's not the actual manipulating we discussed but people deserve privacy. And I deserve mac n' cheese). 

I've grown up under the instruction to question authority. Well into my 40's, I'm recognizing a need to question EVERYONE and EVERYTHING. It's exhausting but in the "Age of Persuasion", I don't know that there's any other way to approach things. And maybe sometimes you just need to let your guard down and be manipulated. 

Moulting

I just went through one of those wonderful moments that happens when you play a lot of guitar. My callouses moulted. It's been coming for a week or two, I took a day off of playing and they started loosening immediately. I got through my performance at the office Christmas party on Thursday and just sweet delicious peel. An evening of playing some bass and everything was nicely sanded and I was back to 100%.

It was +1°C on Sunday afternoon as Rhonda left for her dance class. She remarked, "It's so nice out, I should have worn a lighter coat! Is it spring?"

"No!" I shouted back. "Don't lose that callous yet! The cold will be back and you need that. Stay tense!"

Just like with my guitar fingers, sometimes you gotta keep that callous in place to protect you from something you have coming up. You can rebuild a nicer callous when conditions are better - when you don't need it to survive. 

I've been working with a councillor for the past few months, and part of that has involved reading Brene Brown's book Rising Strong. I'm not maybe blown away by her writing or presentation style but the advice is at least solid. One of the concepts she talks about is how you need to go through a hard time to rebuild yourself better. She doesn't use my - admittedly gross - callous metaphor but I think it fits.

Rhonda and I have been moulting some personal issues that kinda come with being together for the better part of two decades. Fights and friction come and go in any long-term relationship and we're going through a fairly gentle down right now. This moment really feels like we're moulting emotionally. And I know we're going to build up better and stronger - able to weather the next one. 

I think we often say that humans don't moult because we don't do it like a snake, lobster, insect or lizard moults. But we do. We can shed layers of skin like a callous or in flakes and hairs constantly. There's that old adage that everything in us is replaced every 7 years. I wish it made me feel 7 years old instead of 43. Shitty system. 

What are some other ways that people, animals or anything else moults? As we come up on the most famous social and behavioural moulting season, the new year, do you have any good moulting planned for 2025? Is changing the oil on your car a form of moulting? Or is that more like taking a dump? 

Let's (not) Get Pissed!

I've struggled on and off with gout over the past decade. I've worked with doctors to get medication that works but it's of course an ailment that's also helped along by what I eat. I'm not the best at controlling my diet but I really have cut out a lot of red meat - meat in general and other foods to try and stem the limp.

One of the choices I made last year was to stop drinking. I figured it's something that does harm to all parts of the body and in my work, I get to see some of the awful side effects of liquor. It really wasn't a hard decision to make. Although I do miss going to have a nice amber ale at Rebellion. 

The most difficult part is the social aspect. It's no secret that celebrations typically include alcohol around here and all the fun things seem to happen at bars. Lucky for me, many establishments have developed high-quality non-alcoholic beverage options. And non-alc beer is becoming drinkable. But I have friends and co-workers who cannot accept this choice. A manager I work with insists every time I'm around her and alcohol that I should be drinking, why am I not drinking, here's a DRINK DRINK DRINK. 

Sorry. It's frustrating. 

Most people are cool and go the extra mile to help me find options or to be curious and understanding. I went to a gala a couple of months ago and it was a real relief when one of our hosts pointed out where the non-alc beverages were. And they had an AMAZING non-alc feature cocktail. If you ask me - this is how we stop the impaired driving problem.

I still use cannabis - and in fact, that's my next hurdle to jump. I use it too much and it's as harmful as the alcohol. I could be better, and do more if I had the strength to eliminate that. I go through a quitting cycle every 12-18 months but it just never seems to stick. I think I need some more research and maybe some actual support to get through that one. In time I hope! 

On Friday night I went to the holiday party for one of the teams I work alongside, the Brand and Advertising team. They wanted me to come hang out and also to sing some songs. I joyfully complied. 

Now, no one tried to make me drink and in fact, the Director offered me some 0% Coronas. All good. But it was amazing how everyone seemed to need to come to me one-by-one to tell me why they drink, how they used to drink more, how alcohol had an effect on their family etc. It was this weird holding court kind of feel and everyone needed to come and kiss my ring, and tell me about booze. 

And none of it stopped being constantly offered nicotine and cannabis vapes. I drove and had committed to driving a couple of people home so I was committed to staying sober. But again, there seemed to be a committed need to see me get wasted. I know one of the managers is quite concerned that she's never seen me "throw down." But like, why do you need to see that? Says a lot more about you than it says about me.

Maybe more expected was that end-of-the-night moment when the social fabric was starting to fall apart. People were asking stupid questions and unable to finish sentences. I took that moment to make my exit. It was already an hour later than I'd planned to stay. I'm told it got kinda messy after we did leave. No regrets. 

I'm glad to see that at least on the macro scale, things are changing. Options are becoming more common and I really do think I'm having an easier time of this than I would have 10 years ago. But I also wonder if our move to boutique alcohol and legal cannabis hasn't made a more dangerous situation occur. When I was in college a party typically involved your choice of Molsons' or Coors and going outside for an "acoustic" cigarette or joint. The sheer number of options from vapes to gummies to micro-brewed liquor was dizzying at this party. I think one could become an alcoholic just trying to keep up with the Joneses. 

Inebriation is a strange part of the human condition. I've heard it argued that we get high and drunk more than any other people in history. I question that conclusion, especially when it comes to alcohol. But I do wonder if we're trying to numb a greater pain and making life worse for our bodies and minds while we do it?

Time will tell. 

Humanist

Last week was a challenge at work. By Tuesday afternoon, my cohort, M and I were questioning why we were working where we were. Trying to be supportive I noted that we were there to keep the bad in check. Even if we fail, at least someone was there to raise the alarm and hold people to account from inside. 

This would play out to be very true over the remainder of the week as we both had moral quandaries come across our desks. We were both in a position where we needed to advocate for vulnerable groups, defend the free media and in one case, protect the dignity of the deceased. It all sounds far more dramatic than it really was but at the same time, it could have become more dramatic if someone hadn't been there to say "Let's reconsider this, I have an ethical objection to this."

To my relief and pride, a former manager who is now a higher-ranking director came by my desk to acknowledge and praise those objections and celebrate the ideas I brought to the table. 

"Jeremy, your strength has always been your ability to see the human impact of an approach and point out the harm we could do. Never stop doing that." I've always held myself accountable only to myself and my morals, but having someone you respect who's also in a place of power recognize and nurture it is a pretty amazing feeling. And frankly, it gives me pride to work where I do, that we can see two paths and the leadership is nurturing us to take the just path, the fair path - the moral path. 

Last Friday, Wikipedia's featured photograph was the WW2 photograph "Wait for me Daddy". The photo shows a seemingly endless column of soldiers marching up a road. A small boy is running away from his mother to the outstretched hand of his father who is marching in the column. 

War is full of horrors, many that only those who fight them see. But these kinds of photos, or those videos of returning soldiers surprising their kids at school, trouble me deeply and really speak to the overall human cost of war. 

In his blog post last week, the Navigator talked about a theoretical situation where the US would invade Canada and what that war might look like. He also discusses some of that nuance about war - and what  justifies military action. I know I would take up arms without hesitation if my family, friends or home were under threat. But I could not bring myself to even consider going to Ukraine - even if the war is just. 

These two things have really collided in me over the past couple of days and have helped me put a label on how I truly see myself. Some would maybe describe me as a socialist or small "l" liberal. But that's never quite fit me as well as I'd like it to. I certainly lean that way but I'm more than capable of seeing how some small "c" conservative values are important. Libertarian just seems loaded with baggage but I feel like if I need to be on the spectrum, I'm somewhere in that area. And in an era where democracy feels like it's failing the majority and causing nothing but government standstill on issues - there's days where I think dictatorship could be more effective in just getting things done - but I'm not an authoritarian - I think fascism is abhorrent. 

This week, I think I'm a humanist. That I care more about people, experiences, rights and life. That we should be building each other up, not pursuing personal wealth or fame. 

Watching the massive political divide in our world today, seeing the differences between urban and rural worlds, I think all of us could come together around humanism. That we could start caring more about how we are treated and how we treat others. 

I don't know for sure. There's much philosophising needed in our world right now because I think the only thing that everyone agrees on is that no one is happy and shit ain't working out for anyone. I've really felt like I want to dedicate my time to making people smile, sing, feel free and be free. I'm tired of complaining, I want to take action. It might not be a protest. It might be helping to push a new Canadian out of a snowbank and offering some tips on how to drive. It might mean showing up at a lonely friends house with a guitar and some cookies. It might mean shutting off social media and going out for a walk with my dog and talking to my neighbours. 

It's time to be human. Again. 

Snow way!

I suppose I should be grateful, we got past mid-November before the white shit came. But I'm not. People in California don't have to blindly accept snow every November, so why should I? I didn't wear the right shoes out today, and I forgot my scarf. Basically dying. 

I'm entering that phase of life where I don't want to go on a hot holiday because it brings status, or it would be a fun outing. No. I want a hot holiday because my joints ache and my skin hurts. I need to lie on a beach, in swim trunks that I have no business wearing - or hell, find a good nude beach - and just soak up some solar radiation. Skin cancer? Bring it. I'm already well past my medieval prime, it's time to stop delaying the inevitable. 

There was a time when I had pride in my prairie resiliency. Today I realize I could write news releases and argue with people on social media from the Bahamas. Or Trinidad. I have a coworker from Trinidad and it sounds fabulous. 

Also - there is no heat at work right now, hasn't been for days and every time we ask Facilities to give us heat they gaslight us and say that it's coming. 

I think I'm ready to retire - to a pot of boiling water. 

20 years

Twenty years ago today I sat in a little corner office on the second floor of a four-plex townhouse I rented with my then-girlfriend in La Ronge. I moved to La Ronge that summer with her - she was pursuing a career in physical therapy and I was just wandering. "Chasing pussy up north," was how someone framed it for me. I tried to deny it then but in retrospect - I spent the year before and after that chasing that particular pussy places I never should have. But that's leaning into disrespectful language and bringing up some dumb behaviour on my part that doesn't really merit waxing nostalgic about. 

Sitting in that room I wrote the first post for this very blog page - Pilot's World. Reading back through that post and a few around it, it's clear that the blog was only part of my plan at the time. I wanted Pilot's World to be a bigger thing - somewhere to store links, blog, put up photos and just generally have an archive and playground to be creative online. In fact, I even found the start of what I wanted that page to be while putting today's post together. 

I know the idea of journalling was attractive to me - a very interesting full-circle moment considering my recent post where I mentioned journalling. I am glad to have those posts and entries now. Some are hard to read - they're cringe, depressing, or badly written. But I do enjoy being able to look back and remember some older times. 

Now, obviously, I did NOT blog on here for the entirety of those 20 years and it's only been in the past 6 months that I've even started blogging again. I outright missed celebrating the 10 and 15-year anniversary. But I am proud to have something that's been around for two decades and I'm very happy that I've found a newfound use for the blog. 

But writing this blog has had a major effect on my life. Certainly that young naive 23-year-old who started this blog had no idea that he could write for a living - let alone that 20 years later he'd be employed full-time doing many of the things he was practicing on this blog. I write, do social media and manage communities just like I did on Pilot's World in those first 8 years of this blog. Communication and creativity have always been my strengths. I just don't think I had the people around me to recognize it when I needed them to. 

And MY HOW I'VE GROWN. I've learned to proofread and edit - and not just like begrudgingly doing it either. I enjoy editing and even being edited. The finished product is so much better than the raw flow-of-consciousness work I used to do. It's bled into my personal projects and I enjoy making raw ideas into something that sparkles. 

And MY HOW THINGS ARE THE SAME. I still have that feeling in my gut that I haven't done my life's work. I've built a family, bought a house, put 17 years in with the same company, performed on albums and stages, hosted my own radio show - and yet I still don't have what I want yet. I haven't given up by any stretch but some days it seems like I'm more inclined to fade away than burn brightly. I dunno. Happy to have some things I can call my own, water them and watch them grow. 

So yeah. 20 years. I'd say that maybe I won't make another 20 but I didn't think this blog would last a week and here we are. Maybe in 2042 I'll be like "jeez it's been 20 years since I posted, I should put something up." Who knows. But until then, a toast to blogging, a toast to growth and a toast to the future. 

To everything there is a season

Last week as I was preparing supper I discovered a non-problem that I was making a problem. And the realization has become something of an obsession in the days since. You see, I had most of a nice meal planned. Some nice pork chops, a solid macaroni and cheese and... what for a vegetable? This is where I made a problem where there wasn't any.

You see, I had a big bag of carrots in the fridge that I knew I needed to use up. But there's this little gremlin in my brain - placed there in my youth - that says, "You can't make cooked carrots." Don't get me wrong here. I like cooked carrots just fine and the recipe I had in mind would pair quite well with the rest of the meal. But Dad didn't (and still doesn't) like cooked carrots when I was growing up so there's this weird GOTO routine that just goes around cooked carrots when the option is right in front of me. To make a long story short - I made the cooked carrots, they were excellent and I need to make them again. 

Re-examining some of these old rules and misconceptions has been a pretty big trend for me lately. I talked a few weeks ago about how I'd convinced myself I couldn't go solo, couldn't be a lead singer or that I couldn't finish a song. As soon as I challenged those conclusions, it became clear they weren't founded.

There are a few others there that have been important too. I always thought I needed to write my lyrics in a nice notebook with a pen. No sir I do not. In fact, lyric writing is very fast when I do it on my phone. I don't need a studio or expensive equipment to demo songs or record ideas. Again, my phone has been invaluable. In fact, as an overall music career tool, my smartphone has been an enormous efficiency. I've recorded videos, researched venues, kept track of my goals and managed my emails all through one device. 

In response to last week's mental health struggles, I visited my counsellor for a chat. Again, the misconceptions came up. For most of them, it was more "It's not that this didn't work - it just didn't work yet or it didn't work this time." I also found that while I was dismissing some conclusions about my own behaviour, I was finding out very quickly that maybe I should look at that closer. At the end of the session, we talked a bit about journaling. I mentioned how writing out what I wanted to talk to her about helped me put everything in perspective. The counsellor gave me some tips on journalling like how it could be one line. Like, "I feel depressed." 

But for me, the real epiphany was - it doesn't need to be in a notebook. Like with songwriting, I've convinced myself these important thoughts should be on pen and paper. Maybe some of that is my age, when I learned to write songs and journal - you did that on paper. As the internet reared its head, I moved journalling into this humble blog. But that proved to be very public and when you're writing a new song or talking about your depression, sometimes you don't want that public. So since last Thursday, I've just added to the original document I wrote with my discussion checklist and done exactly as suggested: Friday: "K made me feel anxious," Sunday: "Feeling depressed," and so on. The challenges for that will be to keep it up, occasionally journal the good things and include my body health stuff too. Rhonda has been trying to get me to journal my gout attacks and other health complaints. I can use the same document. 

The counsellor and I discussed the "seasons of life" at our session - how sometimes things start to change, we change and we need to adjust our behaviour accordingly. It's given me a lot of food for thought and I have about 3 weeks before our next session to ponder that, figure out what I want to make of it and then execute on that. But until then, I think I'm just going to spend time challenging myself whenever I say no. But also - I'm going to challenge myself when I say yes. Because there have been more than a few bad situations over the last decade that could have been avoided with a "no."

In which I'm not doing as well as I should be

The last couple of months have been crazy busy. Football, music, work, travel, and family have put me back into the "busy all the time" phase that I have not experienced since before the pandemic hit. My reaction to it has been positive—or at least I wish it was positive. 

I want to be happy about it. Life is short and staying inside feeling sorry for myself isn't a good way to use that limited time. But this weekend as I worked to finish up the last of my responsibilities to Jonas' football team, it became very clear that my anxiety was through the roof and that I was NOT doing ok at all. 

Now this doesn't come without real-world reasons. Rhonda was out of town so in addition to trying to manage the final moments of the football season and work on my music stuff, I was also the sole parent cooking, giving rides, and caring for the dogs all while trying to pull off a party for 45 people. By Saturday afternoon I realized that my blood was pins and needles and I couldn't get a good deep breath of air. 

At least this wasn't my first rodeo so I knew what was up - and somehow I had to manage that alone. Thankfully, the Navigator did a great post recently discussing his own challenges so I tried some of the things he was doing. But alas, I could not sit still to meditate (I felt full of adrenaline), couldn't find help around me and I generally just decided to strap in and just try and get through the weekend. Surely once the football stuff was done and Rhonda was back it'd all be good?

Wrong. 

It took something as simple as forgetting my coat at the venue where we did the football wrap-up to put me over. I didn't sleep all night obsessing over the jacket. 

Fret not dear reader, I'm taking some good steps to help. I am privileged, and for this scenario, I'm happy to lean on that privilege to get the help I need. I've booked myself in to see a councillor on Thursday and as an extra treat - I'm taking the day off to sleep in, maybe play some songs and have a nice long walk in the park. 

I've also had a serious talk with Rhonda about those feelings and asserted that I would not be participating in the social plans she has for the weekend. I think she's a bit disappointed but it's a damn sight better than me having a "menty B" at someone's party. Honestly, I need to get better at asserting my place sometimes and saying no when I don't want to go to a stupid party or hang out with people I don't really hold love or interest in. I mean Jesus, I went to a fucking art gala a couple weeks ago. What the hell was that about? 

Half of me wants to be thankful that we have resources around these days to help us deal when life gets stressful. But also, why is life so goddamn stressful? That's a subject that could fill a library I suppose. But there's a big part of me that just wishes life was less stressful so I didn't NEED to access mental health support. Frankly, I hate even having to think about it. I wanna be writing songs, maybe fixing my roof or playing with the dog. But instead, I gotta go have a chat with a stranger about why I spent last night wondering what the easiest way to get ketamine was. 

How does one conclude a post like that? I dunno. Life's a lot, I'm dealing with it and hopefully next Monday I'm laughing at my weak-ass, out of balance brain. If not, maybe next week is "Pilot's World on Location from the Psych Ward!"

 

Peeled the Onion

Last week I spent some time  prolestysising about goals and timelines for the comedy music thing. I don't know if it was just the talking it out but let's say I made some faster progress than I promised. 

Yeah I finally pulled off the bandaid and hit the stage. 

In "5 Tight Minutes", Stu Cassel really champions performing live. Get on stage and get on stage early. I wanted to give myself a good run up time since I needed to get some songs together and rehearse. But a strong deadline was important. That's said, I was getting worried that I was taking too long. 

I met my old work friend, Gilly, for coffee last week and we talked about the music we were playing and The Cure open mic. Before we were done, I'd committed to bringing the guitar out. 

A kick in the ass ain't a bad thing. Within the week not only have I committed to that performance but I'm also making a plan to hit one Nov 13 in Saskatoon (hear that Navigator?) and I'm going to apply for my first real gig before the end of the week. That could have me playing my first real gig as early as December. 

Shit moves fast. 

The fact is I have the material I need to get started and I've known my first steps a long time. So let's run. 

The vibe at The Cure is always impeccable and the Open Mic was immaculate. I ended up performing near the end of the night, third from last. 

I'm super happy with the set. I played "Guitar Picks and Pocket Knives" and "Fucking Fridge". People loved that last one. 

So yeah. Off and running. Holy crap.

Big thanks to Gilly for supporting me and coming out to cheer me on. He also took that photo of me at the top. Cheers bud!

State of the onion

Back in July, I hinted that I wanted to start a new humour music project. It's been three months since I made that commitment so it's a good time to take stock, review what I've achieved and clarify my goals for the next three months.

Taking on a project like this comes with so many challenges and tasks. One of the earliest things I did to kickstart the project was to start a Google Document called "Humour Project". I have it broken down into categories including:

• timeline/goals, 
• songs I've written, 
• songs I need to finish, 
• ideas for songs, 
• venues,
• photo/bio ideas
• one-liners/heckles and banter
• instrumentation ideas
• merch ideas

Many sections aren't filled in yet and others are a mess but it's nice to have everything in one place and easy to find. Well mostly - I'll get to that part next. The idea of having a master document to work off of came from advice I saw in a reel by Thor, often known as Pirate Software on YouTube. The man is simply full of wisdom but his recommendation to have a design document if you're going to make a game was similar to many strategic planning documents I've done in the past and even if it's rough and disorganized, what I have is better than nothing and can always be improved and referenced. It's done wonders to keep myself accountable. 

This morning I caught this great video about Prince's work ethic. The video talks about what we as artists can learn from how Prince made his music broken down into six lessons we can learn from the man in purple:

1. Work fast
2. Become a finisher
3. Abandon perfectionism
4. Make art every day
5. Sleep and
6. Have a vault mentality

The first four lessons were all things I'd already been working on. I needed to shake a lot of my misconceptions about how I made music and what I sound like to make this project progress. I've done really well with those things, resulting in some really satisfying results, like this fun little song I posted last Friday. Or even the video I did for Pizzamas last week. Sleep and rest are aspects I'll need to keep in mind but not a concern right now.

The vault mentality lesson is one that I've naturally been doing a bit of but in watching the video, I realized I need to be more purposeful about it. To the point that I think I need to add it to my project design document. The argument in the video is that Prince wasn't so much working on being famous or making money as he was building his legacy. To have a legacy, you need to have an archive or a vault to collect and store your work. 

I've been doing this a bit. Not so much to create a legacy as much as just to try and organize the heap of ideas I have and make them accessible. Over the past three months, I've set aside about an hour a week to get my Google Drive in order and put lyrics and demos together. It's far from where it needs to be and I have plenty more I want to do. This video reinforced the importance of that work and I think I might bump up my vault work time a bit every week - at least until I have everything working the way I want it to. I still need to figure out how to make my phone automatically back up my demos onto my Google Drive. 

Creation-wise, I've been doing extremely well. I have about 7 songs that are basically done, and I've chosen two to develop into a "tight 5 minutes." I've had November 4 circled on my calendar for weeks, that is the date I want to head over to The Cure and play at the open mic. Go play my 5 minutes and see how people respond. From there, I want to hit a separate open mic in the following 2-3 weeks at a different location to try the same set. Beyond that, I'd like to hit up The Cure again before the end of the year with a second set of new material, repeat at another open mic and so on. 

I'm frankly shocked at how prolific I've been. Sometimes it's in spurts of little song snippets, sometimes it's entire songs flowing out in an hour or so. With a strong set of goals and a developing vault, I've been able to turn these snips into songs. While I'm only at 7 fully written tracks, I don't think I'd be exaggerating much to say I've got about 50 ideas in various stages that will become something in time. Being prolific like that is nice for the ego but it also means I'll have a lot to choose from - and a lot to throw away - as I move through this. 

There are many things I still need to nail down. I don't exactly know what name I want to brand this project under. I've gone through a few including my usual nickname Pilot or trying to use a name I've always had around, The Spurge. The one I've landed on so far and will probably use on Nov 4 is just the monomer "Jeremy". It's an awkward, stupid name with some meme history. It does tend to bump into the Pearl Jam song, but maybe I can use that to my advantage. 

I'm also working on the supplemental instrumentation for this project and I can't quite decide how to roll it out. I'll be using the kazoo as my "lead" instrument but I'm not well practiced yet and I can't quite figure out how I'll play it while also playing guitar. I have an around-the-neck harmonical holder and I've also thought of building some kind of clip to go on a mic stand. The jury is still out on that one. I think I'll do the first few performances without it until I have a bit more confidence. I've had a few other instrument ideas that I hope to incorporate in time too. 

Finally, I've done well carving out the time for this and finding space to do it in. I haven't been able to do exactly what I've envisioned but I'm really happy with my tenacity. I find time every day or so to practice, organize and learn. I've started taking lessons and this weekend I tried out using one of the Regina Public Library's studios to do some practicing and writing. 

Overall, I'm shocked at how well all of this has gone. I don't know why I'm shocked, nothing I'm doing or planning is outside of my talent, ability or experience. I think the biggest reason is that I had built up all of these misconceptions about myself: I can't finish a song, I can't play solo, I don't know how to play guitar and sing, I'm not funny, I can't sing, I can't... and on and on. Once you stop worrying about what you can't do and focus on what you can, things all of a sudden open up in front of you. I've felt so positive and used this as a springboard to connect with friends, be creative, boost my ego a bit and feel like I'm actually doing something. 

Something for me. 

I could go on and on but this post is long enough for today I suppose. Hopefully, I can post a bit of a review or post-analysis of my first live performance in a couple of weeks. And of course, if this keeps working for me, I'm sure there will be plenty more to say here as time rolls on.