In which I'm not doing as well as I should be

The last couple of months have been crazy busy. Football, music, work, travel, and family have put me back into the "busy all the time" phase that I have not experienced since before the pandemic hit. My reaction to it has been positive—or at least I wish it was positive. 

I want to be happy about it. Life is short and staying inside feeling sorry for myself isn't a good way to use that limited time. But this weekend as I worked to finish up the last of my responsibilities to Jonas' football team, it became very clear that my anxiety was through the roof and that I was NOT doing ok at all. 

Now this doesn't come without real-world reasons. Rhonda was out of town so in addition to trying to manage the final moments of the football season and work on my music stuff, I was also the sole parent cooking, giving rides, and caring for the dogs all while trying to pull off a party for 45 people. By Saturday afternoon I realized that my blood was pins and needles and I couldn't get a good deep breath of air. 

At least this wasn't my first rodeo so I knew what was up - and somehow I had to manage that alone. Thankfully, the Navigator did a great post recently discussing his own challenges so I tried some of the things he was doing. But alas, I could not sit still to meditate (I felt full of adrenaline), couldn't find help around me and I generally just decided to strap in and just try and get through the weekend. Surely once the football stuff was done and Rhonda was back it'd all be good?

Wrong. 

It took something as simple as forgetting my coat at the venue where we did the football wrap-up to put me over. I didn't sleep all night obsessing over the jacket. 

Fret not dear reader, I'm taking some good steps to help. I am privileged, and for this scenario, I'm happy to lean on that privilege to get the help I need. I've booked myself in to see a councillor on Thursday and as an extra treat - I'm taking the day off to sleep in, maybe play some songs and have a nice long walk in the park. 

I've also had a serious talk with Rhonda about those feelings and asserted that I would not be participating in the social plans she has for the weekend. I think she's a bit disappointed but it's a damn sight better than me having a "menty B" at someone's party. Honestly, I need to get better at asserting my place sometimes and saying no when I don't want to go to a stupid party or hang out with people I don't really hold love or interest in. I mean Jesus, I went to a fucking art gala a couple weeks ago. What the hell was that about? 

Half of me wants to be thankful that we have resources around these days to help us deal when life gets stressful. But also, why is life so goddamn stressful? That's a subject that could fill a library I suppose. But there's a big part of me that just wishes life was less stressful so I didn't NEED to access mental health support. Frankly, I hate even having to think about it. I wanna be writing songs, maybe fixing my roof or playing with the dog. But instead, I gotta go have a chat with a stranger about why I spent last night wondering what the easiest way to get ketamine was. 

How does one conclude a post like that? I dunno. Life's a lot, I'm dealing with it and hopefully next Monday I'm laughing at my weak-ass, out of balance brain. If not, maybe next week is "Pilot's World on Location from the Psych Ward!"