Apples

 Was struggling to find a subject that I wanted to tackle this week, and realized I was holding an apple with all my might.

So let's talk about the humble apple! 

The apple in question. Honeycrisp 2026.

There's an age-old question, made most famous in the Colbert Questionnaire: "Apples or oranges?" I assert rather stubbornly that I'm a "both" guy. I must have my orange evert morning and I must have my apple at lunch. Except during peach/necarine season, at which time either the apple or the orange could be replaced by a peach or a nectarine. I mean what are those but the sweetness of the orange without the inconvenience of segements? 

Apples have always seemed like that perfect combination of tasty and healthy. They say it keeps the doctor away, but I also believe they keep the dentist at bay and the Metamucil in the medicine cabinet. 

Recently, a video came up on my YouTube feed where the host went on a mission to find the last wild apple tree forest and dig down to the origin of the humble apple. It occurred to me watching it that I'd never had an idea where the apple came from. I've known that oranges are from China and that the apple was spread far and wide in the Americas by Mr. Johnny Appleseed, but never knew where they came from beyond waving vaguely to the east. To save you the trouble of watching that whole video, the answer is Kazakhstan. Not the Garden of Eden as a certain book I once read would indicate - unless Eden was in Kazakhstan. In which case, things have really gone downhill in the last 5000 or so years. 

I did find it funny when the host tried the wild apples and found them to be borderline inedible. I've eaten enough crabapples to have predicted that the experience wouldn't have been a good one for him. In fact, I always assumed that the apple pie was invented to make crabapples and bitter apples palatable. Because otherwise, why mess with it?

I'm a bit surprised that I didn't dig into learning more about this sooner. Beyond my previously stated fondness for the fruit, I recall watching a great video about why the Red Delicious apple really isn't that delicious. It's always occured to me because it's by far my least favourite apple. But somehow it's delicious? At first I thought it was just the usual thing of people used to be a lot tougher with less choice. So a red delicious is probably a lot better than say roasted bison dung. But nope, it's just gotten worse and worse over the years. 

Planning out survival strategies for the post-zombie invasion is a popular passtime for may, including the humble reader of this blog. Restarting agriculture is an important part of the long-term post-zombie survival guide and I think I'd make starting a good apple orchard a big part of my plan. It provides a bountiful harvest of good, high energy food. There are a number of ways to preserve apples for the long term and even a dead tree can become firewood or a crappy bench. Plus, you can ferment apples into hard cider, something I even tried before I cut down our humble crabapple tree back in 2020. 

RIP old tree, we miss you.

Speaking of that old crabapple tree, cutting it down is one of my true regrets in life. It was getting too big and as a result it wasn't producing very good apples anymore. Add to that the fact that they'd just go to the ground and attract wasps as a result and the choice was almost made for me. Kinda wish I'd just pruned it way back. I miss the blooms in the spring and being able to go out and grab a few for a pie or alcoholic brew. 

Favourite apple cultivar? I'm really fond of the Cosmic Crisp apple and Jazz apples but with my recent focus on buying Canadian, I've focused more on honeycrisp lately. 

Roof apples

Best apple themed album by a Canadian alternative rock band? Road Apples by the Tragically Hip. 

Best depression-core female singer? Fiona Apple.

Prettiest actress from Married with Children? Christina Applegate. 

Favourite computer operating system? Windows 95. You can't win them all. 

What's your thought on apples? What do you pick at the store? Ever put an apple on your roof? WHY NOT?