The reader of this blog is likely to be weary of my repeated assertions that I need to find another job, something not at SGI. Well, cycles do cycle, and I'm in another "I gotta get another job" cycle.
As I sat down with that thought again last night, I had the more important question of, "Why, if I always want to leave, am I just head-rushing towards my 19th year here?" Why can't I make that change?
I think a lot of it is the routine, the security, and pay that's enough to keep me here, but not make me happy. I was thinking as I came up the elevator to my office this morning about all of the people who have promoted past me.
I think the problem is one of motivation.
I do apply for jobs, but I struggle to make a habit or a routine of it. I just toss a resume here and there whenever something attractive pops up. But I don't stop once a week and look at what is out there.
I've done a bit of work through my job coach on how to pursue some of this, and I've done some of that work. But I also feel limited. I suppose that's the struggle of wanting to pursue creativity for a career in a place like Regina, SK, where people are all about business suits and hockey.
My morning reading today talked about not making decisions or change based on anger. I understand the advice for sure, but anger is a motivator. The argument is making decisions or changing based on anger leads to blind decisions or unsatisfying results. But at the same time, watching what's happening in the states is infuriating and change needs to happen. If we wait to get past our anger, we aren't going to make changes.
And I think that's why I get in these cycles. I try to affect the change when I'm angry and frustrated at work, then something gets better and I forget.
I think the solution is that I really need to identify and over-arching goal and start pursuing that. And in some respects, I'm trying to do that with my music. But I'm realist enough to see that it's unlikely to be something that could support me. And if it does, it's going to take many many years. Many years of cycling over and over.
I think I need a secondary goal to look at as well.
Maybe I should get into guitar repair.
1 comment:
Regina is not all about business suits and hockey. There's also the Riders!
My impatience is my big thing. I want out now, not in a couple years after I've done some additional training or education or worked towards it. That means I don't get additional training or education or work towards it which just extends anything. Gotta force ourselves to find a goal and work towards it.
Maybe I'll get into smashing guitars...
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