Faith and Begorrah

A few weeks ago I stumbled on an episode of the “WithinReason” podcast hosted by Alex O’Connor where he spoke to Good Mythical Morning host Rhett McLaughlin about his break from the “White Southern Evangelical Christian Church”. Specifically, I think he broke away from a form of Baptist church, but the discussion is about the strong evangelical aspect of churches from the American south.

I’ve known about Good Mythical Morning for a decade or more, Kayah and I would watch it when she was little. It’s basically a morning talk show on YouTube – with millennial trappings. So think less Regis Philbin, more Tom Green.

Rhett wasn’t alone in what he calls his “spiritual deconstruction,” his co-host Link Neal also embarked on the journey. They both grew up in the Baptist church and were even heavily involved in recruitment and evangelicalism during college. They had fully consumed the grape flavour-aid.

The deconstruction started for Rhett when he started exploring what he was being told about evolution in the church and what science and the rest of the world were saying. For Link, it was around the way gay people were treated by the church. Of course, that’s a major oversimplification of their journeys but it gives you an idea of what started their journey.

It’s led me into quite the deep dive about their journey because it so connected with the journey I’ve had leaving the Catholic Church.

Now, my journey is not the same as theirs. Mine was a lot quieter and I wasn’t nearly as entrenched in it as they were. While I know there are members of my family who would feel better if I went to mass every week, for the most part I’ve been allowed to follow my path where it takes me.

I think the part that I most identified with was the identification of the hypocrisy I was being fed and how pulling that thread started unravelling everything.

For me, like Link, it was how gay people were being treated that didn’t make sense. Especially when combined with the endless allegations of abuse and rumours of gay activity within the clergy. And to be clear, I’m not judgmental that there are gay people expressing themselves in the clergy. I’m critical of the hypocrisy of saying no one else can be gay. And I find the abuse of minors and others to be abhorrent not only to God but to humans as well.

But there were things that came up earlier that pushed me over the edge once I started questioning things.

I may not have been as entrenched in my church as Rhett and Link were, but I was still very involved at a time. I was deeply involved in youth ministry and summer camps from about grade 6 until sometime in high school. I went on retreats, jamborees and did a lot of things that in retrospect were pretty weird. Anyone who attended one of the SEARCH weekends can attest to that.

One of my strongest influences at the time was a priest who served at my church in town right out of seminary and was the camp priest at the summer camp I went to. He’s a very good man so I’m not going to out him here – but in looking back, conversations with him contributed to my departure from the church as well.

He was always great at making Jesus and the bible compelling and fun. And he thought outside of the box. He told me something once that always stuck with me, “I know atheists who do a better job of living the word of Jesus than most Christians.” It made it clear to me that living a good life and being good to people doesn’t require faith.

But my view of this particular gentleman was shaken the day I asked him his thoughts on the Robin William’s movie, What Dreams May Come. In the film, Robin Williams’ character loses his wife who dies by suicide. He finds a way to go to hell and saver her to bring her back. It’s a movie that really explores the spiritual and everything that goes on outside of the human experience. But my priest friend was having none of it. He insisted that only God could rescue us from hell and that was the end of the conversation.

I tried to engage him more but for the first time in my friendship with him, he got mad. This was not to be discussed. Which brings to mind one of the most powerful observations that has come out of learning about Link and Rhett’s deconstruction – the difference between being curious and being right.

During one of the podcasts I consumed, it was noted that the difference between the religious right and the rest of us is that the religious right are obsessed with being correct. While the rest are more curious and want to grow. And that speaks to my core. Most of the time, I don’t really care about being right – especially if it’s not about the safety and wellbeing of others. I’d rather ask questions or event better – listen than be right about everything in the world. But most religious people I know are obsessed with being right.

So as I entered high school and moved to college, I got curious. I looked at other Christian denominations but they all seemed like just different flavours of kool-aid. Muslims were interesting for a while and I’m glad I got curious about them when everyone else was trying to have an opinion about them after 9/11. Buddhism was very interesting for me for a while but at the end of the day, it still felt like a human translating the divine.

In the end I concluded that if there is a God, he’d be more concerned with me living a good life and loving my neighbours than if I was going to church every week or trying to convince others to drink the same kool-aid. And for the most part, until a couple of months ago, that’s pretty much where the story ended. I don’t wear it on my sleeve, I try not to attack people with faith. Just live and let live.

But boy hearing about religious deconstruction shook me up. It’s made me realize the core of some of my self-doubt, my constant guilt and even why I can get so deeply judgemental at times. It makes me think that maybe I need to find some support or counselling about that. I do feel sad about the loss of community that comes with leaving a church. And I think I crave a sense of ritual or spirituality to ground myself and put my negative energy into. I don’t know what that is per se, but I know it’s something missing.

And there is something divine about the world. I don’t know if it’s a god, or many gods. But there is something spiritual about the feeling you get when that first layer or lacquer is wiped on to a fresh piece of wood. Something out there is ensuring that Elvis is on the radio when you’re heading out of town to say goodbye to your grandma.

It sure feels like something’s out there. And maybe it’s time I started looking for it again.