I got Grunged Today

Yeah I really did the grunge thing up this morning. Haven't really been this grungy since the Kerosene era.

Been going through some mental shit lately. Really wondering if that life that I led four years ago was so bad. Sure it was hard, I spent alot of time cold, hungry and without money, but I had more fun, the closest of friends and I had goals. Now I've for the moment forsaken being a musician and I'm devoting my life to one person. And that person is not reciprocating that devotion. I tend to wonder if this is what I want.

Certainly it can't be argued that I needed to step back from where I was. I was relentlessley racking up debt and my fanancial irresponsibility is going to haunt me for years to come. But knowing what I know now, I could easily go back, and make less mistakes and maybe make a better time of it. I think the time is coming where it's gonna be do or die with my realtionship, so I may be making the choice sooner than I think. My love is of utter devotion, but I'm not going to float along in utter limbo while Shawna becomes "ready" to do that she wants to do. It's easier for her to deal with this she knows how I feel. I have no idea what's going on in her head, or if she even thinks about it. I think about it every morning when I wake up next to her, and every night as I fall asleep next to her... and more when she's not there.

I need help.