On owning a lightsaber.

 I am the very proud owner of a new,  primordial lightsaber. First-time owner, it's a one-handed, dagger-like affair that runs off butane. No Kyber crystal vision quest in my future, unfortunately. But it was a fantastic Father's Day nonetheless. 

But even owning this affordable Amazon novelty torch makes me realize how powerful and dangerous a real lightsaber is. 

Trying to be a showoff and light a joint with it, I quickly discovered that a beaked or brimmed hat is a limiting factor. I still don't understand how Obi-Wan can hold his next to his face without losing his beard. I don't know how it survived Mustafar - but let's stay on topic. 

You need to be careful where you point it. 

I wonder about the weight of a lightsaber. Does the blade weigh anything? I've seen discussion online and I join the side that says they must have weight and balance like a stick or sword because otherwise you could just flail it about and shred everything. Plus they seem to put effort into using the tool. 

I've seen theories that lightsabers have sharp or cutting areas and blunt areas. Hence Obi Wan's bouncy sabre in Kenobi. Not mine. If you get close enough, this thing will fuck you up equally from all directions. I think I'd rather have one than a knife in a street fight. 

The torch doesn't have an end-weight, it truly is just a handle, but the jet flame does give you a slight push. I feel like new lightsaber users always have a similar kickback reaction to the weapon igniting. 

I don't know how a Jedi puts a lightsaber back on their belt immediately after use without branding their thigh. We're taking several powers of magnitude hotter than what I got - I'm not cutting through any steel blast doors this weekend. I need to leave mine sitting out for a few minutes before it's cool enough to put away. Even a gunslinger blows on his barrel first. It's best mine didn't come with a belt clip. 

All this to say, no matter how much I beg you, never let me even hold a real lightsaber. I feel like there was a mistake made already that will result in a visit from the fire department or to the burn unit. Maybe both. 

For now, I must be content with a convenient pizza oven lighter, campfire obliterator and a debilitating paranoia about its misuse. 

May the Force be with you.