SILENCE!

In yesterday's blog post, I alluded to the concept of silence and how that was an important concept I was going to look at this year. The post got a bit long so I committed to posting again this week. 

I should have stayed silent. 

Social media algorithms are a strange thing. You know they're predicting something about you, but sometimes it's hard to see what the root of that prediction is. I've been getting a lot of self-help philosophy-type videos sent to me on YouTube lately. I don't know if it's just the larger societal New Year resolution phase or if it's cluing in that I'm working on myself a bit. But boy oh boy does YouTube know I'm 40 and going through it.

The advice isn't simply mental self-help. There's a lot coming at me about how to be more creative or how to enhance my creativity. And that's where the concept of silence has entered the chat.

And it's not entirely new in this ongoing conversation. The Navigator and I have talked about meditation in recent blogs. 

So here's the gist. Our world is too loud. And not just in terms of sound volume. More in terms of noise. Gone are the days of doing a single task in silence. We fill the background with music or podcasts, spend our downtime scrolling through endless reels and generally feel compelled to fill every waking moment creating or consuming. 

Sometimes I need to watch my dogs or cat to remind me that always being busy isn't the natural way of things. They can look out the window for hours, take a nap when they're tired. Nature doesn't want us to work an 8-hour day then spend 6 on a side hustle and everything else keeping it together. It's too much. It's overloading our brains. 

In a recent discussion with a coworker, we talked about how you can waste a morning scrolling videos and not feel at all rested. The brain processed hundreds, maybe thousands of ideas in that time. We surmise that this is probably at the core of why we're all always so tired and burnt out. I even offered that the looming TikTok ban could actually do society a lot of good. If only in the short term. 

And it's not just the effect it's having on our brain. I think we're missing out on some things too. Harrison Ford recently released a video called "Listening to the Quiet" where he argues we need to listen to nature and to the natural world to begin understanding what we lost. He talks about hearing ants and caterpillars. My first reaction was, "You can't hear a caterpillar." Until I realized - yes you can and I have. Just not recently. Because I haven't stopped to listen. 

From a creative point of view the argument is generally, that as a consumer of content, you've probably consumed all you'll ever need to be creative. And if you need something else, you'll find it when you need it. But it's time to shut off consuming content and start creating. 

For me, this looks like writing songs or writing text. Or finally getting a start on that Doomsday Device. For others, it might mean finally redecorating, cleaning the car or planting a garden. It's not a strictly artistic exercise - it's about building and creating. 

And it doesn't need to be like sitting in a dark room with no sound or input. It just means cutting back on how much we consume. So, don't bring your iPod on the walk with the dog, don't put on a podcast while folding laundry. Shut the phone off and sit at the table for supper. Engage in a conversation. 

I'm just at the start of this journey of silence. I'm doing well in finding places to quiet things down and doing very well at recognizing when I'm on social media when I could be doing other things or when I have far too many stimuli happening around me and I need to shut some stuff down. 

I can't say that I've felt the effects yet, I'm still tired and extremely grumpy. But I'm going to give this a few weeks. And hopefully, the act of slowing things down and focusing a bit more will start to lift the fog of modern life a bit so I can start thriving in 2025. 

How about that? This whole blog set was really about New Year's resolutions!

Time to take stock

mmmm. 

Stock. 

It's been a tumultuous few weeks, with the usual holiday chaos, the passing of a loved one and some good work done getting my music in front of some new audiences last month. I'd considered talking about resolutions and some new thoughts for the year but I feel like I'm a bit late to the party on that. And to be frank, none of it is that original or that interesting. 

But coming out of those busy weeks, I've spent the last weekend really feeling like I'd lost sight of some of the goals in my music project I'm pursuing and some of the activities that I'd taken on to try and improve my mental health. 

And as of noon yesterday (Monday), I realized I wasn't that far off the path and that my wandering wouldn't take much to correct. 

Let's start with the mental health bit. My counsellor and I have spent a lot of time talking about journalling and the benefits it could provide. I was journalling a quick and dirty entry daily for a few weeks but intentionally stopped over Xmas. I felt like I needed to be silent for a moment - not spit it all out but just sit with the silence (more on sitting with silence in a moment). So I stopped for a bit. Fast forward to the weekend and it's been over a month and time to start journalling again. So I started again.

I'm going to reconsider when I journal. I've chosen to do it when I'm on my morning bus ride, but it doesn't feel great and the entries have been overwhelmingly negative. Mostly because I've just woken up, gone out in the cold to get on a stinky bus. I might do the journal before I catch the bus or later in the day. Again - a pin for a bit later, but I need to replace some old bad habits in the next few months and I think journalling could be a good contributor there. 

I feel good about getting this back on track and making a habit of it. But besides this, I realize that I journal as part of my daily life a LOT already. I've kept a notebook at work since 2014 and use it religiously - a form of journaling. I'm blogging here weekly - journalling. I write songs - journalling. You get the point. Writing down my thoughts and feelings isn't absent in my life, I just need to be a bit more mindful of journalling for the benefit of my mental and physical health. 

Musically, things have also been excellent. Things have moved faster than the goals I've set throughout this project and I'd say that it continues to move at an impressive pace. I managed to play my tunes at three parties over the holidays, launched my website and social presence, solidified the name for the project (Jeremy and his Kazoo) and ordered my first batch of stickers. I'm now in excellent condition going into the new year. 

But I still haven't managed to book that first real gig - not an open mic or someone's pity at a party but a genuine show at a venue with admission and everything. I've also significantly slowed my writing from 2-3 songs a week to 2-3 a month. 

In terms of booking the gigs - that's coming. I started reaching out to venues, and talking to people and I've set out a list of venues and dates that I want to apply to them. Sooner or later, one of these bad boys is gonna stick! 

I feel silly feeling bad about the writing slow-down. Like with the journalling, it's been a busy season and 2-3 songs a month is still 2-3 songs more than most people write in a month. The reason I feel bad is that much of the slowdown is me pushing it off. I've set participating in FAWM as one of my goals and I'm finding myself writing a riff or a line and then putting it into the archive to use in February instead of chasing the idea down. I sat down to organize those little tidbits on Friday and found I have about 4x more material than I need to meet my goals next month. 

So no more putting off writing. We're getting back into it now- in fact finished one song on Friday and started a new one on Sunday. I think more important than having a backpack full of song ideas next month will be actually practicing at writing and having those skills honed. 14 songs in 28 days is gonna be tight, I need to be in shape! 

Finally, the one thing I'm really not doing well at and not making proper progress- quitting smoking. I mentioned it in my post about alcohol. I don't particularly want to embrace a fully teetotaler lifestyle, but it's clear that smoking is not doing anything for my lungs. Add to this that I totally notice how my ability to play and perform diminishes when I'm high. I forget words, my voice is limited - you name it. 

I've gone on again and off again a ton of times over the years, it lasts somewhere between 4-6 months before I give up and light up again. Maybe it's a sign that I need some other medical intervention, maybe I need to change my perspective. When I quit soda and alcohol it seemed easy once I'd fully understood I don't need it. Cannabis is no different but I don't think I've convinced myself that being sober is better yet. I'm ready to take this on again but I want to try a few different things:

1. Do it during the nice weather. I've often tried quitting in the winter with the argument being, I don't need to be out in the cold. I'm going to wait for May or so when it gets nicer. My mood is naturally better in those seasons so I think I'll have an easier time. I know I said earlier that putting things off isn't the best strategy, but I think in this case, it might help. And on that note:

2. I'm going to do some weaning. This is one tactic I've seen in many places that offer advice on quitting. Wean off the smoke so that when you do quit, your body doesn't notice it as much. So to this end I'm going to use the cold weather to reduce how often I duck out for a puff or how much. 

3. Replace it all! This is where I hope songwriting, journalling and maybe even some home renos can help. I'm hoping to replace the urge to go out and smoke with some new better habits. Again, this will be easier for me when it's warm. I love to go sit out on the back deck for a puff. I hope to go out and strum some songs instead - but I'm not taking my guitar out in -40 right now. I've also got a nice bike that I never even took out last summer - this summer I will go for a ride if I feel the need to bike. 

4. Focus on the negative - in terms of using. I'm already doing this and hopefully prepping myself for later. So that's paying attention to my awful morning cough, lack of memory, cold fingers, cash outflow, all that stuff. Make it so that I see smoking for being the terrible thing it is. 

5. Tell someone who will make me do it. This one is the one I'm most apprehensive about. It's not like I don't have people who support me, but I think I need someone to put the screws to me. I ran into my Uncle Dave at Grandma's funeral and was reminded of a story he told about Grandpa motivating him to quit smoking (tobacco but let's not split hairs here). I may approach him to do the favour for me in turn. I'd love to reconnect with him, we've been close most of my adult life and I'm pretty sure he'd be there to kick my ass into gear. 

PHEW.

Well if you've read to here, you're a stronger person than I am. Clearly since I can't even quit a non-addictive substance. Yeesh. Overall, I know that life is good but I think I'm just feeling the lack of vitamin D and the hangover from the holidays. It doesn't hurt to make sure I'm still on track and to look for a way to feel better about myself. 
 
I'm not looking at any of this as a New Year's resolution. Most of it was happening before Jan 1 and the smoking bit is just something I need to try at every 8 months or so.

Oh man and I didn't even get into the silence bit I foreshadowed earlier. Well I don't know how to go back and edit that out so I guess I'll just promise to do a supplementary blog this week? It'll be my journal for that day! 

Until then - keep your stick on the ice. 

Bye Grandma

A sad post for today. As The Navigator spoke about late last week, our grandmother, Irene Pilon, passed away last Thursday. 

When someone is able to leave peacefully on her own terms after an amazing 99 years of making the world a better place, it's selfish to be anything but grateful and celebratory. Which isn't to say I'm not feeling a bit selfish and sad this week. I am, but I'm more happy and relieved.

Of course, there has been plenty of remembering and story-sharing. I shared some on the Navigator's post and I've been talking with a few cousins about some of my memories and maybe some general themes we could use in a tribute to her. Innovation, kindness, firm love, generosity, charity - all of these things come up over and over again in describing her. She gave to her community and lifted up those around her. 

One of the fun moments that Grandma and I shared was an ongoing disagreement about Elvis Presley. He was her favourite singer and I really don't have much admiration for him at all. I always loved teasing her about it and she was always unapologetic about her love of his music. Frankly, I think children shouldn't be exposed to that kind of gesticulation. 

I went out to Yorkton with Dad on Sunday to help clean up a few things at her apartment. Shortly after leaving Regina, Dad switched the radio over to Jack 94 and I shit you not, the Sunday Morning Oldie Show was doing an Elvis special. It was his 90th birthday (actually tomorrow, but they were celebrating Sunday).

Grandma got the last laugh. 

We listened to Elvis all the way there. 

Speaking of suddenly coming into possession of a bunch of things that you need to find space for, the visit was full of "hey do you need one of these?" or "you should take this, we don't know what to do with it." I'm not in need of anything and I'm happy to see that some of my cousins and other relations are going to get some much-needed things to help kit out their homes or save a few bucks.

But I did come home with a lamp, a mirror and of all things - an iPad. I have no idea how I'm going to clean off that iPad so that I can make use of it but they were going to donate it to goodwill and I just didn't trust that her personal info would be handled safely. I was thumbing through it last night to see if there was anything of historical or family value that I should preserve before hitting reset. It's revealing to kinda see what someone who's 99 has going on in their digital life. I didn't dig too deep, her personal conversations, health stuff and banking are none of my business. But it's interesting to see the photos she kept, the emails she cherished and the games she played. And goodness, she was good at ordering food in! They mustn't have made very good food at the home. 

We're having the funeral tomorrow in Melville. It strikes me that I have very few visits to Melville left in my life. The town I was born in but rarely visit. I might visit when some of my family in the area have weddings or funerals but probably, I'll rarely go there again. I hope that the day affords me a few minutes just to drive around, and soak it in a bit.

Rest in peace Grandma. 

You've left a legacy that will continue for generations, not only in your family but in your community and in the world. You've touched lives across Saskatchewan and as far away as Nepal. 

I'm so happy you're with Grandpa again and that you're reunited with your Dad and your Mom who I know you've missed desperately since you were 7 years old. Rest well and save a spot for me. Someday I'm coming to insist that you teach me to play Bridge. No matter how much of a cheater my Dad is. 

Out with the old - because I'm running out of space.

It might have been a pseudo-response to my article about wanting a studio space for myself. It might be that, it might have been purely practical, but over the past few months, I've put a lot of time into moving and organizing the space where I practice, write and make music. I put in a table to put my laptop on, moved my amp close to the table so I can plug everything in, installed some fun lighting and hung some stuff on the walls. 

So it was a pretty incredible frustration to walk in on Friday and find that there was no longer any space to practice in and all that work was now piled with boxes, furniture and gifts. I know it sounds ungrateful, but Christmas rarely brings me much more than family frustrations and several hundred dollars worth of crap that I now need to find a place for and keep nice. 

I'm exploring ways to avoid Christmas entirely, but I haven't found it yet. 

But holiday avoidance notwithstanding, I still had a pile of crap in the office I needed to deal with and Sunday was the day. For the most part, I needed to get some stuff into shoe boxes and onto a shelf somewhere to be ignored forever or until I just throw it out. I came into possession of some real shit this year and it probably would have been wisest to put it in the same bag as the wrapping paper. 

Some of the stuff is really cool, but I don't have a place for it in my life. I got two LED "neon" signs this year. One that says "On Air" and one that's a guitar. They're cool, they look amazing. But I already have piles of crap that needs to be hung on a wall that's never been put up. And these are going on that pile. Like where am I gonna put this stuff? I don't have a "man cave" or a plugin anywhere near where I could put these things. Maybe I'll toss them up in the garage to never be ignited again. I dunno. Rhonda got the "On Air" sign because of when I had the radio show. But I broadcast the last episode (flight?) exactly four years ago today. It's not really useful to me at this point. 

If I'm sounding ungrateful and negative, it's only because I am. 

Christmas is such a burden. From a religious point of view, I haven't walked into a church for anything but a wedding or funeral in 20 years. And even if I was religious, the way we celebrate today would make the baby Jesus very sad. 

And the other face of Christmas is a celebration of consumerism and capitalism - which I have even less patience for than religion. Aside from the wastefulness I outline above, the season has only meant I need to work twice as hard for the same income and no one really understands why I'm so frustrated and exhausted. I can't even IMAGINE working in retail. Those folks deserve a goddamn knighthood. But they won't get it. I mean sure - the CEOs will benefit. People with the billions will get theirs. But the frontline worker will only be pushed harder to do more with less. 

"Boy Pilot is on a pisser today"

YEAH, I AM. It's been a stressful month and if I'm honest, I'm mad at myself. 

I wrote down two things before the holidays, that if I didn't get them for Xmas, I'd buy them. Well, I got them both, and a week later I can see that I have no use for either thing. The first, a guitar player stool is just an extra piece of specialist furniture I have no place for. It's sitting in the middle of the office to be tripped on. And the other - a pocket watch - has no practical use in the modern world and I basically never go anywhere that I'd want to dress up nice and wear it to. So like the neon signs, it's destined for a dark corner to never be used again. 

I get this way every year, I suppose it's just this year that I've been blogging again and I have somewhere to spew this negativity. I really would like to take some time away from work and home to go write some music and take a break. I can't afford that though and no one got me that for Xmas so I'll have to settle for taking a few days off in Feb or something and making it happen that way. 

Oh and I cannot say enough how grateful I am to be in possession of nearly $200 in gift cards to alcohol establishments. 

Ok. I'm going to try and turn this around a little bit before the end. But I think that for anyone with more than 2 Christmas trees in their house, this will end as negative as it started. 

I managed to co-opt Christmas for my own use a bit this year. 

I've been looking for low-risk places to play my new tunes. Open mics are great but most of the time you get a song or two then you're sent on your way. But with Christmas parties in full swing, I devised a way to make the parties more tolerable for myself while taking advantage of a captive audience to try my material out on. 

So I took my guitar along to three of my Xmas parties and played some of my songs. I outright refused to play Christmas carols. The one vaguely Christmasey song I did have was "A Problem" a violent tale told in an 8-minute-long epic that includes three kazoo solos. I enjoyed it at least. 

I learned a lot playing for people this month and I think it's really solidified how I take this project forward for the next 6 months or so. I have a month's worth of goals and schedules I still need to hit. Beyond that, I think I'll sit down again, set a new set of goals and go from there. And just maybe, I'll schedule in that break I was talking about. 

Christmas is nearly here...

 ...so naturally I wanna talk about pocket knives. 

I've always been a guy who carries a pocket knife. I've had a Victorinox Spartan in my pocket since junior high. There's something about always having a little tool handy to do small jobs that just makes life go easier and makes you look like the most useful person ever to the people around you. And in one case - I guess crazy? One coworker was very vocal about my knife and her opinion of it. 

Last year, I went on a deep dive into knives and bought a little collection of new and vintage Victorinox blades. Some I like, some I don't. I got a little one that's very rare called the "Executive" I love. It stays at my desk at work at all times. It has an ORANGE PEELER on it. Come on. 

I also bought the Victorinox Soldier's knife. Cool in that it's a one-hand open and closed but a bit big - especially for office life. And the blade is serrated. It's been relegated to the car for emergencies. 

When I graduated from U Vic last year I bought myself what I thought would be a fancy knife, the Limited Edition Alox Pioneer. It has scissors and looks like the kind of knife you bring to your daughter's wedding. That is to say, it's gunmetal gray. A cool-looking knife and a good package but it's very stiff and I find that it needs a lot of maintenance and furnishing for a tool I spent $100 on. 

All this to say, this week, I've drifted back to my classic, $45 Spartan. It doesn't have an orange peeler or a pair of scissors. But it has a knife that's easy to fold out and a blade driver and you quickly realize, that's 90% of what you need in a knife. That said, I've only ever used the corkscrew maybe 3 times. 

Of course, Victorinox isn't exactly the only knife maker in town. And over the last couple of years, they've come under some criticism for a lack of innovation and use of outdated tool steels. Benchmade is a brand that I find interesting but I'm not sure if the opening mechanism is legal in Canada and they're just a straight-up knife - no other tools. Leatherman tools are cool and useful but far too big for the daily office carry I'm looking for. But my GOD what I'd do for a set of small pliers in my pocket! 

Hacksmith Industries is launching a new knife in the new year that I find compelling. I'm going to get my name on a "Founder's Edition" blade so I can say I have a Canadian-made knife. Plus then I can get one of their lightsabers. They tease pliers in the video but all the pictures I've seen don't feature pliers. 

I even did a small project in school where I started an imaginary knife manufacturing company called "The Reborn Edge" where we made pocket knives in Saskatchewan out of recycled materials. Kind of a fun idea but I doubt it would be successful. And I don't know anything about tool making. 

All this has come to mind as I'm hunting for a case to put my growing kazoo collection into for bringing to gigs and stuff. The knowledge gained in the pocket knife rabbit hole led me to a knife collection case to put my kazoos in. Full circle baby. 

What's in your everyday carry? Do you have a favourite pocket knife I should try? Should I seek professional help for this love of knives? Why is my house being surrounded by police? 

Manipulation

Over the last 3 or 4 years I've focused a lot of attention on the concept of manipulation. Obviously in our - shall we say "spicy" - political and social landscape, the concept of manipulation comes up a lot. That's part of what has my attention but there's quite a bit more to it. 

I completed my diploma in public relations from the University of Victoria last winter and while the industry would like to hide behind other words, boiled down the work we do is manipulation. We hope to manipulate your behaviour or opinions to the whims of the people we work for. Thankfully, we did a LOT of work on ethics and ensuring that the power you're yielding is used for good. Lord knows the oil, tobacco and weapons industry have a different approach to manipulation. 

Sometimes I see manipulation or detect that someone is trying to manipulate me and I'm frankly ok with it. Maybe it's letting a gym ad manipulate you into going for a workout or a restaurant manipulating you into treating yourself to the super-size. I know that when I play Pokemon Go, I'm being manipulated into their microtransactions. But I also know that it manipulates me into getting out for a walk, maybe being social with someone. I'm willing to accept that manipulation. 

Other times I know I'm being manipulated and it's damn near impossible for me to step away from it. Instagram Reels and YouTube Shorts do this to me. And I know for my Tik Tok consuming friends it's even worse. I'll waste countless time just scrolling up on the most useless junk. I'm working hard against this manipulation - I try to tell myself that my focus on music was meant to offset the time I spend scrolling. To some extent, it has. But I still scroll. And if I'm tired, depressed, anxious or just generally avoiding life - scroll city baby. 

It was a shock to me last week when my counsellor brought up manipulation. Maybe she picked up on some of the language I use or something, but we both shared a moment recognizing that the work we do is manipulation. Even if saying that word can have a strongly negative response. 

And I think that discussing manipulation in the context of a counselling session is very dangerous. Which is why I'm shocked it came up. Because this wasn't "be careful of being manipulated." No. It was more like, "Sometimes you need to manipulate the people around you to do the right thing." I know what she's talking about and I've got enough of an ethical foundation that I can use this for good. But my God if she'd said that to a sociopath, someone without a strong ethical base or just someone who is struggling with relationships - that could be awful. 

We live in an environment today where some industries and groups are forced to identify their manipulation. You can't watch a YouTube video that has an advertisement without someone pointing out the ad. That's great. I know that someone is getting paid to convince me to buy a thing. Do we owe our loved ones and coworkers the same warning? Should I tell Rhonda "Hey, I need to manipulate you into making me macaroni and cheese for supper?" Or can I stick with the usual, "Imagine yourself making the most delectable pasta, covered in copious amounts of cheap cheddar and sprinkled with the spiciest of dried mustard." (Note: that's not the actual manipulating we discussed but people deserve privacy. And I deserve mac n' cheese). 

I've grown up under the instruction to question authority. Well into my 40's, I'm recognizing a need to question EVERYONE and EVERYTHING. It's exhausting but in the "Age of Persuasion", I don't know that there's any other way to approach things. And maybe sometimes you just need to let your guard down and be manipulated. 

Moulting

I just went through one of those wonderful moments that happens when you play a lot of guitar. My callouses moulted. It's been coming for a week or two, I took a day off of playing and they started loosening immediately. I got through my performance at the office Christmas party on Thursday and just sweet delicious peel. An evening of playing some bass and everything was nicely sanded and I was back to 100%.

It was +1°C on Sunday afternoon as Rhonda left for her dance class. She remarked, "It's so nice out, I should have worn a lighter coat! Is it spring?"

"No!" I shouted back. "Don't lose that callous yet! The cold will be back and you need that. Stay tense!"

Just like with my guitar fingers, sometimes you gotta keep that callous in place to protect you from something you have coming up. You can rebuild a nicer callous when conditions are better - when you don't need it to survive. 

I've been working with a councillor for the past few months, and part of that has involved reading Brene Brown's book Rising Strong. I'm not maybe blown away by her writing or presentation style but the advice is at least solid. One of the concepts she talks about is how you need to go through a hard time to rebuild yourself better. She doesn't use my - admittedly gross - callous metaphor but I think it fits.

Rhonda and I have been moulting some personal issues that kinda come with being together for the better part of two decades. Fights and friction come and go in any long-term relationship and we're going through a fairly gentle down right now. This moment really feels like we're moulting emotionally. And I know we're going to build up better and stronger - able to weather the next one. 

I think we often say that humans don't moult because we don't do it like a snake, lobster, insect or lizard moults. But we do. We can shed layers of skin like a callous or in flakes and hairs constantly. There's that old adage that everything in us is replaced every 7 years. I wish it made me feel 7 years old instead of 43. Shitty system. 

What are some other ways that people, animals or anything else moults? As we come up on the most famous social and behavioural moulting season, the new year, do you have any good moulting planned for 2025? Is changing the oil on your car a form of moulting? Or is that more like taking a dump? 

Let's (not) Get Pissed!

I've struggled on and off with gout over the past decade. I've worked with doctors to get medication that works but it's of course an ailment that's also helped along by what I eat. I'm not the best at controlling my diet but I really have cut out a lot of red meat - meat in general and other foods to try and stem the limp.

One of the choices I made last year was to stop drinking. I figured it's something that does harm to all parts of the body and in my work, I get to see some of the awful side effects of liquor. It really wasn't a hard decision to make. Although I do miss going to have a nice amber ale at Rebellion. 

The most difficult part is the social aspect. It's no secret that celebrations typically include alcohol around here and all the fun things seem to happen at bars. Lucky for me, many establishments have developed high-quality non-alcoholic beverage options. And non-alc beer is becoming drinkable. But I have friends and co-workers who cannot accept this choice. A manager I work with insists every time I'm around her and alcohol that I should be drinking, why am I not drinking, here's a DRINK DRINK DRINK. 

Sorry. It's frustrating. 

Most people are cool and go the extra mile to help me find options or to be curious and understanding. I went to a gala a couple of months ago and it was a real relief when one of our hosts pointed out where the non-alc beverages were. And they had an AMAZING non-alc feature cocktail. If you ask me - this is how we stop the impaired driving problem.

I still use cannabis - and in fact, that's my next hurdle to jump. I use it too much and it's as harmful as the alcohol. I could be better, and do more if I had the strength to eliminate that. I go through a quitting cycle every 12-18 months but it just never seems to stick. I think I need some more research and maybe some actual support to get through that one. In time I hope! 

On Friday night I went to the holiday party for one of the teams I work alongside, the Brand and Advertising team. They wanted me to come hang out and also to sing some songs. I joyfully complied. 

Now, no one tried to make me drink and in fact, the Director offered me some 0% Coronas. All good. But it was amazing how everyone seemed to need to come to me one-by-one to tell me why they drink, how they used to drink more, how alcohol had an effect on their family etc. It was this weird holding court kind of feel and everyone needed to come and kiss my ring, and tell me about booze. 

And none of it stopped being constantly offered nicotine and cannabis vapes. I drove and had committed to driving a couple of people home so I was committed to staying sober. But again, there seemed to be a committed need to see me get wasted. I know one of the managers is quite concerned that she's never seen me "throw down." But like, why do you need to see that? Says a lot more about you than it says about me.

Maybe more expected was that end-of-the-night moment when the social fabric was starting to fall apart. People were asking stupid questions and unable to finish sentences. I took that moment to make my exit. It was already an hour later than I'd planned to stay. I'm told it got kinda messy after we did leave. No regrets. 

I'm glad to see that at least on the macro scale, things are changing. Options are becoming more common and I really do think I'm having an easier time of this than I would have 10 years ago. But I also wonder if our move to boutique alcohol and legal cannabis hasn't made a more dangerous situation occur. When I was in college a party typically involved your choice of Molsons' or Coors and going outside for an "acoustic" cigarette or joint. The sheer number of options from vapes to gummies to micro-brewed liquor was dizzying at this party. I think one could become an alcoholic just trying to keep up with the Joneses. 

Inebriation is a strange part of the human condition. I've heard it argued that we get high and drunk more than any other people in history. I question that conclusion, especially when it comes to alcohol. But I do wonder if we're trying to numb a greater pain and making life worse for our bodies and minds while we do it?

Time will tell. 

Humanist

Last week was a challenge at work. By Tuesday afternoon, my cohort, M and I were questioning why we were working where we were. Trying to be supportive I noted that we were there to keep the bad in check. Even if we fail, at least someone was there to raise the alarm and hold people to account from inside. 

This would play out to be very true over the remainder of the week as we both had moral quandaries come across our desks. We were both in a position where we needed to advocate for vulnerable groups, defend the free media and in one case, protect the dignity of the deceased. It all sounds far more dramatic than it really was but at the same time, it could have become more dramatic if someone hadn't been there to say "Let's reconsider this, I have an ethical objection to this."

To my relief and pride, a former manager who is now a higher-ranking director came by my desk to acknowledge and praise those objections and celebrate the ideas I brought to the table. 

"Jeremy, your strength has always been your ability to see the human impact of an approach and point out the harm we could do. Never stop doing that." I've always held myself accountable only to myself and my morals, but having someone you respect who's also in a place of power recognize and nurture it is a pretty amazing feeling. And frankly, it gives me pride to work where I do, that we can see two paths and the leadership is nurturing us to take the just path, the fair path - the moral path. 

Last Friday, Wikipedia's featured photograph was the WW2 photograph "Wait for me Daddy". The photo shows a seemingly endless column of soldiers marching up a road. A small boy is running away from his mother to the outstretched hand of his father who is marching in the column. 

War is full of horrors, many that only those who fight them see. But these kinds of photos, or those videos of returning soldiers surprising their kids at school, trouble me deeply and really speak to the overall human cost of war. 

In his blog post last week, the Navigator talked about a theoretical situation where the US would invade Canada and what that war might look like. He also discusses some of that nuance about war - and what  justifies military action. I know I would take up arms without hesitation if my family, friends or home were under threat. But I could not bring myself to even consider going to Ukraine - even if the war is just. 

These two things have really collided in me over the past couple of days and have helped me put a label on how I truly see myself. Some would maybe describe me as a socialist or small "l" liberal. But that's never quite fit me as well as I'd like it to. I certainly lean that way but I'm more than capable of seeing how some small "c" conservative values are important. Libertarian just seems loaded with baggage but I feel like if I need to be on the spectrum, I'm somewhere in that area. And in an era where democracy feels like it's failing the majority and causing nothing but government standstill on issues - there's days where I think dictatorship could be more effective in just getting things done - but I'm not an authoritarian - I think fascism is abhorrent. 

This week, I think I'm a humanist. That I care more about people, experiences, rights and life. That we should be building each other up, not pursuing personal wealth or fame. 

Watching the massive political divide in our world today, seeing the differences between urban and rural worlds, I think all of us could come together around humanism. That we could start caring more about how we are treated and how we treat others. 

I don't know for sure. There's much philosophising needed in our world right now because I think the only thing that everyone agrees on is that no one is happy and shit ain't working out for anyone. I've really felt like I want to dedicate my time to making people smile, sing, feel free and be free. I'm tired of complaining, I want to take action. It might not be a protest. It might be helping to push a new Canadian out of a snowbank and offering some tips on how to drive. It might mean showing up at a lonely friends house with a guitar and some cookies. It might mean shutting off social media and going out for a walk with my dog and talking to my neighbours. 

It's time to be human. Again. 

Snow way!

I suppose I should be grateful, we got past mid-November before the white shit came. But I'm not. People in California don't have to blindly accept snow every November, so why should I? I didn't wear the right shoes out today, and I forgot my scarf. Basically dying. 

I'm entering that phase of life where I don't want to go on a hot holiday because it brings status, or it would be a fun outing. No. I want a hot holiday because my joints ache and my skin hurts. I need to lie on a beach, in swim trunks that I have no business wearing - or hell, find a good nude beach - and just soak up some solar radiation. Skin cancer? Bring it. I'm already well past my medieval prime, it's time to stop delaying the inevitable. 

There was a time when I had pride in my prairie resiliency. Today I realize I could write news releases and argue with people on social media from the Bahamas. Or Trinidad. I have a coworker from Trinidad and it sounds fabulous. 

Also - there is no heat at work right now, hasn't been for days and every time we ask Facilities to give us heat they gaslight us and say that it's coming. 

I think I'm ready to retire - to a pot of boiling water.